i am such a fallen catholic

yes, I actually did google the words: "did jesus say don't eat meat on fridays?"

oh yeah. catholic guilt dies hard. very hard. 

after all these years, you'd think i would have shaken the guilt out of my system. 

guilt is sticky. 

i think back to a good friday from my high school days, my best friend and i meeting up with two guys from our class at a local fast food joint. halfway into lunch, up to elbows in grease, we look at each other and suddenly realize:

crap. it's good friday. all four of us are catholic. and here we are, feasting on burgers and fries. 

having already lost a scapula at age 6 (all you good catholics out there know what a scapula is), i had long since decided my chance at heaven was long gone ---- but i might still have a shot at purgatory. if i was lucky. but no matter - even with beating my chest countless times after confession, saying endless hail mary's and our fathers, i knew i sucked at being catholic. 

me at left, pissed off at something. and wearing my red shoes, dammit.

even after all this time, how is it possible to feel those vestiges of guilt, insistently hammering away at my psyche like chinese water torture?

so i had egg salad for lunch. 

but for dinner? the struggle between the dogma of my childhood domestication and a desire for a sense of spiritual balance continues. 

and as one would ask themselves - what would jesus do? one can also ask: 

what would goddess suggest?