the detritus of a life

i went through my old rolodex today. just saying that makes me obsolete, a dinosaur. using a paper form of recordkeeping is so outdated.


everyone now uses their smartphone to store information. (except me.) whatever happened to the old rolodex?




i admit it......i have a hard time throwing things away.


so i took my time, pulling out each card. but going through these little pieces of paper, one by one, packed a big wallop that i didn't see coming --- 


flipping through, reading the names recorded on them made me feel as though my life was flashing before my eyes. 


flip, flip, flip.


i saw names of people who have died. 
people who are now divorced. 
people who used to babysit my kids. 
remodel my house. 
tune my piano.my children's old friends. names i have long forgotten.

stores that have long since closed. gone out of business.


airlines that have gone out of business (see the twa logo?) sigh.

flip.

people i thought i'd contact. befriend. people i no longer speak to, bringing back the sadness of the passage of life.

memories of parties, braces on the kids. memories of old loves, of trying to learn another language. a train store where my son used to love to be taken when he was 3.

flip.

my son's violin teacher. first fencing coach. my daughter's ballet school. i forgot that phase of my life. when i was busy with those things. when those things filled my head.

tennis coach. psychic. picture framer. 
flip, flip, flip. 

people who have moved in and out of my life. 
people i'm no longer in touch with. 

people i wish i was.




the rolodex weighs a lot less now.

how much does a life weigh?


i just helped my dad move from an assisted living facility. he's moved 3 times in the past 5 months. over time, he has pared down his personal effects to only a few boxes. letting things go. letting go. in life, it's hard. 


so whenever i'm having trouble throwing things away i no longer need, making changes i do need and letting go of situations i've outgrown, i console myself with this thought. a quote worth remembering, from one of my favorite authors, the late, great mythologist joseph campbell: 

we must be willing to let go of the life we planned 

 as to have the life that is waiting for us. 

amen joseph....


as i get more used to this letting go thing, i will try to keep that in mind♡