Saturday, April 3, 2010

bringing forth

If you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you. 
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you.

Deep thoughts. Scary thoughts. Supposedly St. Thomas said these words.

A lot going on right now. Seems the universe is righting itself somehow. Little deaths. Not big ones, but little ones nonetheless to prepare us for what is ahead.

What a dichotomy ---- to come back from a lovely vacation with your family, with all the trimmings, only for your husband to find his job has been eliminated in a corporate downsizing. Bam. Just like that. But so it is. Not a death, but a little appetizer. Mind you, I look at it philosophically. Is there any other way really? You have to keep your chin up, head held high. We are lucky, very lucky in our lives. Knock wood and all that. This kind of experience makes you count your blessings. Older sister told me the other day - you're only as happy as your unhappiest child. So I suck in a deep breath and hold it and say - yes. Your kids are the most important thing in your life. At least in mine they are. Cherishing my birth kids reminds me of the other kid in my life - the creative kid. Or kids, however you may look at it. We're all many voices inside, we've all got a few wild dogs barking in the basement. Wild is good.

Anyway, sort of getting off point here. I guess when not so good things happen is the Universe's way of grabbing you by the scruff and making sure you pay attention to what you are supposed to be doing here. Maybe you've been sniffing in the wrong direction - even if that direction felt good in some ways, it just wasn't for you.  So you stop, you listen, you hold your finger up to the winds. And you try to listen, really hard, to another voice inside. The one that puts your coat on, buttons it up, wraps a scarf around your neck and watches you until you get on the school bus. Says your prayers with you and tucks you in to bed. The scruff grabbing part is what will destroy you if you do not bring forth what is inside. The loving, motherly voice is what's waiting there when you're rubbing the back of your neck saying OUCH. Sit with it for a while. Listen to its stories. That is what helps you navigate the treacherous waters named Vulnerability. Ambiguity. Uncertainty.

I've heard somewhere that that which we focus our attention on flourishes, and that which we ignore withers. I have chosen to focus my attention on the birth babies and would not have it any other way.  The birth babies are thriving and now heading off into the real world as is intended. The creative babies have withered from lack of attention so now is the time for me to open up the basement door and see what's down there.

There's a dead ladybug on my desk. It was on its back and I flip it over, hoping once its little red and black dotted world is uprighted it will begin moving forward with purpose. But it just sits there, immobile. I'm sad until I look out the window and see the ancient magnolia in our front yard has exploded in a pink and white Jiffypop extravaganza and the hornbeams which, just two days ago seemed bone dead, now have babygreen shooting out from all their extremities.

I'm off point again. Yes, I'm afraid to bring forth what's within. But I am more afraid not to. So I keep.
on.
trying.

4 comments:

  1. Amanda... Love your writing. You are wonderful and I am gobbling up your thoughts. You are lovely.... refreshing and my friend! Keep up your effort to share... it's not easy.

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  2. John - you are the sweetest - thanks for the lovely supportive words and for finding me out here in this strange but wonderful virtual world! accidental mysteries is possibly the most creative site out there and I will continue to guide my friends your way -- totally mysterious but nothing accidental about it!! xoxo♡

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  3. thanks so much for the nice comment!

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